The Fake Don Imus

Imus asks...

2007-12-03T09:59:00.000-05:00

How'd I do?

In case you missed my latest reincarnation...

2007-12-03T00:59:00.000-05:00

On stage at New York's Town Hall this morning, it was all-new -- and yet the same old Imus in the Morning.

Of course, Bernard and Charles were back -- would it really be Imus in the Morning without them? They're loyal. I'm loyal.

Karith and Tony are fine. Eventually I think they'll be great. It was only the first day, and I think they were a little nervous being in front of a live audience.

As I told the audience, the cast may have grown, but the show won't change. Cheney is still a war criminal. Hillary is still Satan. And I'm going to spend the next five years on WABC, hunting down and getting even with all the bastards who deserted me. (Maybe I'll borrow Cheney's shotgun...)

The Newsweek creeps are first to go. Banned for life. Sure, I know there was that MSNBC-Wash Post deal, but the Howards (Fineman and Kurtz) have long since outstayed their welcome. And their relevance.

Speaking of relevance, did you hear that crack Howard Stern made? About me "no longer being relevant." I might have taken offense, if it hasn't come from a limp-dicked pornographer like Stern...

Ahhhh.... it's good to be back!

Who are the new Imus affiliates?

2007-12-03T00:36:00.001-05:00

Anybody seen a complete list of all the stations carrying the new Imus in the Morning show? Citadel gave a list to me and Charles, but we both lost it. What can I say? We each need a nanny...

What are YOU thankful for?

2007-11-20T06:45:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know. Me too.

Imus -- on RFD-TV??

2007-11-14T00:34:00.000-05:00

I suppose you've already heard the news: my pretty face will once again threaten to shatter your TV screens starting Dec 3. That's the same day the I-Man will commandeer the radio airwaves at WABC and on Citadel O&Os (owned and operated stations) around the US.

I know, I know. I said I would NOT be simulcasting on RFD-TV. But the big-money negotiations with those phony weasels at -- oh, never mind the name of the company. Anyway, the hypocritical bastards welched on our verbal agreement, leaving me with no choice but to cowboy up with my country cousins.

It's OK, actually. I love the guys at RFD. So far, anyway. I'm sure they'll do something to tick me off one of these days -- and you know I'll tell you all about it on the air -- but for right now everything is cool.

RFD's head wrangler and poo-bah, Patrick Gottsch (as in "Gotcha!") said:

"Don's passion and understanding of rural America fits in so well with our ongoing effort to bridge city and country folks with this channel."

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyway, you I-Fans are getting a two-fer. My voice on the radio. My face on RFD-TV.

Just be glad the show's not in hi-def.

Imus show: "A welcome relief from political correctness"

2007-11-13T05:59:00.001-05:00

Maybe Dick Cavett said it best in the New York Times:

"There is really no getting away from the injustice that’s been done. A program enjoyed (and missed) by millions was trashed for the sake of the few."

Oh well, it won't be much longer now. A couple more weeks and the I-Man will be back on the air, ready to smite what Cavett, in that same piece, called "the skilled flame-fanners and the professionally offended" who fanned those "wee embers" into an inferno.

It's gonna be sweet. To get psyched up for some serious smackdown, I'm re-reading the script of Pulp Fiction -- especially Samuel L. Jackson's part.

Like Lazarus, Imus rises again

2007-11-01T05:07:00.000-04:00

It's finally official -- but no surprise to you guys, of course. The I-Man is officially back. Back from the dead, ready to kick some ass and hold some morons' feets to the fire.

On December 3, Imus in the Morning ~~is resurrected~~ debuts on WABC, and shortly thereafter will air on most (but not all -- sorry) of ABC's radio stations. BTW, there's an out in my contract that lets me set up an independent syndication deal if enough of ABC's O&O stations chicken out. So I'll be heard in most major markets real soon.

TV? Sorry, not yet. The deal for the TV simulcast is still in bogged down in money negotiations among the suits, but don't worry, it'll happen. (No, not RFD TV. I love those guys, but I'm not going to work for them, for chrissakes. I need a slightly higher profile if I'm going to kick Morning Joe's pudgy posterior.)

Stand by for the big announcement.

Shock and "Awwwwwww!"

The reviews are in!

2007-10-31T02:31:00.000-04:00

And I haven't even hit the airwaves yet! Say Amen and Hallelujah to the power of the Blogosphere.

Somebody named Miguel A. Guanipa has declared that when it finally happens, the return of Imus in the Morning will be too lame .

"... the most likely result of his pre-retirement bid for absolution from the demigods of political correctness -- who prefer sacrifice to the offering of a broken and contrite heart - is that we may be shortchanged with a lamer, more sanitized version of the I-man, instead of the endearingly pejorative radio host we used to know and love.

Guanipa -- whose name sounds like a brand of cheap tequila laced with bat dung -- admits he was never a big fan of the I-Man, yet he's already decided that I've wimped out.

(Bernie, make a note. Let's book this dodo as a guest so I can give him an on- air beating.)

Still, the guy seems to have some slight grasp of what the Imus show is/was/ will be all about. As he put it:

"Bernard McGuirk's sidesplitting tirades (and) Larry Kenney's hilarious impersonations... provided a vicarious enjoyment that comes from the free flow of irreverent jabs at our burgeoning Orwellian milieu..."

I'm not sure exactly what "burgeoning Orwellian milieu" means, but boy, he nailed THAT one. Political Correctness has gone amok. We'll have a LOT to say about that on WABC...

"Part of (Imus's) alluring charm was that he was able overstep the boundaries of conventional etiquette, blissfully ignore the script arbitrarily approved by the custodians of political correctness, and still retain his freedom of speech."

Hmmm, I'm starting to like this guy. Bernie, cancel the on-air beating. But keep the booking. This guy might be a fun guest. Can't wait to hear his take on Russert, the fat bastard.

To bleep. Or not to bleep.

2007-10-18T07:46:00.001-04:00

Want a little background skinny on the Imus-WABC negotiations? Don't tell anyone where you heard it, but...

One of the big sticking points, believe it or not, was the length of the on-air delay. You know how talk shows generally have a seven-second delay to keep naughty words off the air? It's used to be there to make sure none of the callers unleashed an F-bomb or said something that could cost the station its license (to print money).

But ever since Janet Jackson's boob made that brief, unscheduled appearance at the Super Bowl (not to mention Howard Stern's trashmouth), stations use the taped delay to to keep the hosts and guests from stepping in it on-the-air.

Of course, a delay doesn't really help much. After all, I was on a tape delay when you-know-what happened.

Anyway, those morons at WABC and their lawyers insisted on a 40-second delay. That means 40 seconds will pass before what a guest or I say actually is heard on the air. They originally wanted a 60-second delay -- I guess so they could really consider all their options. Of course, their options boil down to this:

To bleep. Or not to bleep.

Anyway, being as curmudgeon, I insisted a 60-second delay wasn't long enough. I said, how about 60 minutes instead? We can run the 7 o'clock hour at 8 o'clock...

Hell, why not a 24 hour delay? Or a week? That way the empty suits can get in their limos and discuss it leisurely over their croissants and french roast. Jeez, you can't make this stuff up.

Anyway, as one media account put it, I'm rested -- and ready for war. Get your helmets and flak jackets ready, kids...

Imus returns: Our long national nightmare is over

2007-10-16T03:04:00.000-04:00

Didn't I tell you everything would be OK? Like MacArthur said, like Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be back." And here comes the I-Man.

Sorry I've had to be flying under the radar these past few weeks. Some nappy, er, unhappy stuff came up and it was necessary to operate under strict radio silence until the fit cleared the shan.

Negotiations were extremely intense, boys and girls. And do you know why? I'm not supposed to say this publicly, so I'll let the Fake I-Man say it instead. Two different media giants were bidding against each other for my, um, services. If you've been paying attention to the idiot reporters who have been covering this ludicrous spectacle, you can probably guess who the other player was.

Anyway, WABC won, and now Curtis and Kutie -- uh, Kobe? -- have their knickers in a knot because of the WABC lineup reshuffle. Sorry, kids -- it had to be done to make room for the I-Man and all those millions of I-fans.

Gee, my comeback hasn't gotten much mention on MSNBC, has it? But then, most of the morons over there wouldn't know a news story if it jumped up and bit them on the ass. It's going to be so much fun burying those a-holes under a mountain of best-served-cold revenge.

Anyway, the I-Man has a nice little Christmas present picked out for each and every one of you little boys and girls, my faithful flock. No, not the cable TV simulcast -- my lawyer and agent are still negotiating with the suits on that. (Hint: It probably won't be too much longer. We're close, but those cheap bastards have to loosen the damn death-grip they have on the corporate checkbook. Jesus, don't they want to make money?)

Anyway, December will be here before you know it, and you'll once again be waking up to me and Charles and a few other familiar voices. I want you to know -- I'm not doing this for the money. I'm doing this for you. I just want you to be happy. Do you really think I need another $8 million or so every year? Chump change... especially after that juicy CBS payoff. Oh yeah, almost forgot. Hi, Mr. Moonves! (You schmuck.)

Anyway, I want each of you to get ready for the Big Day by doing exactly what I'll be doing for the next few weeks: getting up at 4 am again.

You know, people wonder why I'm such a cranky old fart. Well, let me explain. I'm 106 years old, for crissakes, and I'm still rolling out of the sack at 3 or 4 in the morning every day, then putting up with morons and idiot guests and racist kibbutzers all day long. (Oh yeah, almost forgot. Hi, Al!)

Jesus, you'd be cranky, too...

Digging for the truth

2007-08-16T10:30:00.000-04:00

A nice basket of Imus Brothers coffee and salsa is on its way to David Hinkley of the Daily News. In today's paper Hinckley speculates that the I-Man may be coming back to radio and/or TV. Wow, what a scoop, Ace. How the heck did you find that out? You must have done a lot of digging.

Or maybe you just read Ad Age.

"He's a profitable investment," Hinckley says, pointing out that Imus in the Morning used to rake in scads of money -- $15-22 million per year for WFAN alone. And a few more million for those ungrateful morons at MSNBC.

And don't forget-- this thing is all about the money.

I didn't get canned because CBS or MSNBC frowned on my stupid off-the-cuff remark, but because the advertisers bailed out on me. But now, as Ad Age correctly points out, it's forgive-and-forget time. The sponsors need me, I need them, and suitable media outlet(s) will soon be secured. And IM in the AM will soon be back. Our long national nightmare will soon be over.

But I'm still amazed how Hinckley uncovered my well-kept secret and outed me. With that nose for news, he really belongs on Sixty Minutes. I think I'll call over there and recommend him.

Except, oh yeah. CBS no longer takes my calls...

Boomer scores WFAN morning gig

2007-08-15T09:48:00.000-04:00

I give it six months.

For one thing, Boomer is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Nice guy, but even with all the behind-the-scenes help and support the 'FAN can give him, he's simply out of his league. Morning radio is like being an air traffic controller. Lots and lots of balls to juggle, while keeping one eye on the clock.

The other big problem is his new sidekick, Craig Carton. This clown's been around forever, bouncing from station to station, in and out of NYC, making enemies but never much of a splash. He's finally gained a little traction doing his insult shtick on a "Jersey Girls" sports show on some station in Boondocks, NJ.

The problem, as Newsday reported, is Carton's mouth. It's been known to emit racial remarks that offend just about everybody, without actually being very entertaining. Some of his cracks make the "nappy headed ho" business seem tame by comparison.

For me, of course, it's all good. A double play, in fact. Carton will distract Sharptone from the I-Man during my upcoming Lazarus-like return, and it'll give the fat pantload something to get his drawers in a bunch.

Anything that annoys the reverend is alright by me.

CBS finally signs the damn check

2007-08-15T09:15:00.000-04:00

OK, I'm back. As you've probably guessed, I've been in deep undercover while Garbus and I have been hashing out the details of the CBS settlement. On the advice of ~~that shyster~~ my attorney, I've had to keep mum. No media, no interviews (yeah, right), not even blogging.

I know all you little boys and girls understand. The I-Man's gotta keep the I-Mouth zipped during negotiations. But they're over now, so let's check the latest box scores:

CBS finally signs the damn check.

Guess there's no debate over who won that battle, is there?

I'll let you in on a little secret, I-Fans. The actual settlement is considerably larger than the "official" $20 million that was announced -- much more, in fact. Why? CBS wants to keep the real amount hush-hush, because those bastards are embarrassed by how badly they eff*ed up. The last thing they want is to admit publicly that they were wrong, that they violated the terms of our contract, and now have to make a huge payoff and get nothing in return -- except my silence.

"I" can't talk -- but the Fake Imus can. Heh-heh-heh. Gotta love it.

Besides, CBS doesn't want to give the next high-profile celeb they fire any idea of how much they'll really pay to keep their names out of the paper and to cover their corporate asses. Talk about the blind leading the blind.

There was a bonus, too. The price of CBS stock tanked after the settlement was announced. Glad I dumped all my shares the day the ax fell. (Hope you did the same...)

But I didn't get what I really wanted from CBS, though. To rip their heads off and beat them to death with them.

Oh well. There's always tomorrow.

Sharpton's bitchin' about "bitches" and "ho's"

2007-08-08T10:57:00.000-04:00

It's taken over four months, but Al Sharpton is finally putting some heat on rap music lyrics.

You'll recall that when he hounded me off the air, he also promised to put pressure on black rap artists who use far worse terms than "nappy-headed ho's" to describe women. Yesterday's so-called Day of Outrage included protests in New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Houston, Richmond, Jacksonville and a few other places. Sharp Tongue himself was in Detroit, bleating about the good old days when music was entertaining instead of denigrating. (That took four months to organize?)

Now that he's taken care of that obligation, he'll be off to help OJ search for the real killers.

David Lee Roth, redemption and me

2007-08-07T10:59:00.000-04:00

I'm sick of the grumbling, okay? Sick of some mealy-mouthed so-called "leaders" acting like it'll be the end of the world if your beloved old I-Mouth gets back on the air. Like I'm some frigging racist or something. Anybody who's listened to me for more than 15 minutes knows I don't have a racist bone in my body. (Okay, I don't have a loving bone in my body either, but that's another story.) Jeez, you can't make this stuff up.

Let me spell it out for them, okay? America loves second acts. "Redemption" is our middle name. I think it's in the Star Spangled Banner or Pledge of Allegiance or somewhere. Sure, the American people love to see the mighty get brought down, but they love to see them rise again. Sure, I've fallen -- lots of times -- but I always come back. And I will again. Hold that thought and praise the baby Jesus.

Hey, even a complete loser like David Lee Roth gets second chances. Lots of them. Sure, he bombed as a solo act after leaving Van Halen. He bombed again as Howard's replacement after Stern flew to the satellite. Their first shot at reuniting ten years ago ended just short of shots being fired. (I loved it, I admit it.)

Now even that egotistical pantload is getting another shot at redemption. Did you hear? Roth and Van Halen are reuniting. Again. Translation: They'll swallow their mutual loathing long enough to mount a big tour, rake in fifty million bucks, and then resume their hissing and scratching.

That's assuming they don't O.D. or kill each other first.

Great, I say. Go for it, kids. Everybody deserves a second (or fifth) chance. DLR and VH deserve each other. The comeback might be a big success -- or it could end in manslaughter charges being filed. But either way, that's one act you will NOT see on the reconstituted Imus in the Morning show.

If and when that ever happens, of course. ;-) My lips are sealed.

Coming back at ya

2007-08-06T00:28:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the disappearing act, I-Fans. My strategic comeback is generating a lot of planning and meetings (with more than one broadcasting behemoth), plus lots of phone calls and Web conferences -- you know the drill. Sure, I'm laying low here at the Ranch, helping all the little boys and girls with cancer, but I'm also fielding calls from several interested parties, my lawyer, agent, the whole fan damily.

So yeah, plans are forging ahead for my latest radio reincarnation -- which looks like it might be more of a Christmas present than a Back to School item, if you catch my drift. I can't wait. This will be more fun than returning from ~~the dead~~ Cleveland.

I know you live for the i-Man, babies, so you've probably already seen the New York magazine article about my comeback. It did get some of it right, but a lot was totally wrong -- as usual. God, it reminds you of what rotten little weasels most journalists are. Exhibit A: today's NY Times, which just outed the Fake Steve Jobs. And for what reason? Just to spoil the fun. Bastards.

Read the comments about/to the reporter who outed FSJ. I know you'll know how they feel.

Anyway, the I-Man does have to be careful when talking about Moonves and CBS. A proposed anti- disparagement clause in the proposed settlement Garbus is working out could make that a very expensive slip of the tongue. But of course, only the real I-Man has to worry about that. Luckily, Fake Imus can say what he really thinks about that pretentious, self-important, insecure weasel. And what do I think?

I think Moonves is more worried about his "legacy" than that fat pantload in the White House. Which is ironic, since the two of them will probably enjoy the same number of hosannas when their terms expire.

Oh shit, did I just say HO-sannas? There I go again...

News anchors step in it

2007-08-01T11:27:00.000-04:00

Dan Abrams isn't the only on-air personality who blows it now and then. Today, of course, we have YouTube to preserve these gaffes forever. Check out this clip of TV personalities tripping over their tongue or losing their cool. Focks News is well represented, with Shepherd Smith's immortal "bj" and Jane Skinner's "top cock" crack definitely destined for the Forkup Hall of Fame.

Ah, you just can't make it up.

What's that smell?

2007-07-31T02:38:00.000-04:00

Is it... money? Why yes, I believe it is...

Won't be long now, people. Our long national nightmare will soon be over.

And those fat weasels who ratted on me better get the KY jelly ready. This is gonna hurt...

I just can't decide who to ream first? Russert? Jonathon Alter? Aahhna Marie Cox(sukker)? Put your nominations in the comments and help me decide. Got any ideas for suitable punishment for each? Let 'er rip.

Like the poet said... So many two-faced bastards, so little time.

I'm back on MessNBC!

2007-07-31T02:18:00.000-04:00

Or I was, for a few seconds anyway. Did you see me? It was right before Dan Abrams got that "deer in the headlights" look and left skid marks in his boxers. You should have heard him cussing after he cut away to a break. He was shaking so hard they had to re-lube his hair with thirty weight.

If you missed my brief encore appearance on MSNBC, here's the story. (Sorry, no video.) Thanks, Rich!

(UPDATE: There is a video, but it doesn't show any of Abram's reaction. Anybody got that? Thanks, Laree!)

To Fake Cardinal Egan -- bite me!

Take a hit for of the I-Man

2007-07-18T12:58:00.000-04:00

It's been, what, 100 days, more or less? And you I-fans have had to go cold turkey. No I-Man, no Charles, no bald-headed stooge, no fat sports guy with the enormous head.

I feel your pain, people. But did you ever think that maybe I LIKE sleeping in till 5 or 6 am -- for the first time in 30 years! Did you ever think of that? Well, did you? ANSWER ME! DID YOU??

If you need a cheap fix of your I-Man, you can hop over to YouTube and immerse yourself in that lame ten-year MSNBC retrospective. Remember? The one hosted by Monica Crowley and her amazing spray-painted helmet hair. (If you poke around, there's a bunch of other videos from the bad old days.)

Best part about it: It's all bootlegged video. Those morons at MSNBC get nothing for it. Zero. Not a penny.

Gotta love it.

It's OK with Sharpton??

2007-07-17T17:45:00.000-04:00

The reverend and most revered Al (Tawana) Sharpton says it's OK with him if I make a comeback. Well, thanks a lot, you fat hypocrite. But who the hell cares what YOU think? What a pantload...

Response to Clinton -- and the rest of those gutless weasels

2007-07-17T09:35:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Bubba the former Boy President, sent an e-mail confessing his and Hillary's part in my abrupt departure from the airwaves. You could practically hear the bastard cackling as he gloated about their "triumph" getting rid of me. I knew he and Sharpton were in bed together. (Ooh, there's an ugly image.)

I guess Bill thinks Hill has this election all locked up. As the president's approval rating droops and candidates in both parties run around like third-graders stoked up on Ritalin, my sources tell me that he's renegotiated his deal with the devil (Hillary). He can't wait to get back to renting out the Lincoln bedroom and getting hummers in the Oval Office.

I wouldn't bet my Nicorette gum on it, you fat pantload. The election's not for another 16 months, and by then I will have resumed my stranglehold of power and influence on the airwaves. Once again the I-Man will strike fear and loathing into the hearts of America's movers and shakers -- and all those gutless weasels who bailed out on me when I slipped and got my tongue caught in a nappy-headed wringer.

I always said those bigshot bastards only talked to me because of the power I had. Well -- what goes around, comes around. My powers are coming back. When the I-Man rises to glory again, those bastards had better be afraid. Very afraid. FakeImus fans, who will give me a big AMEN!?!

I could start listing the names of people who should be worried, but that would make it too easy. I want them all to be nervous. Bottom line: I've got plans, I-fans. Big plans. It's almost time for a little payback. Verbal bloodshed. Bludgeoned by the Curmudgeon.

Not yet, but soon. Trust me, it'll be worth the wait. I've got plans that make Machiavelli and the Marquis de Sade look like amateurs. Revenge really is a dish best served cold, and this one's gonna be yummy. (Better than Deirdre's tofu wieners, anyway.)

PS: A private message for Bubba, the guy who turned the Oval Office into the Oral Office. Those days of cheap sex, cheap cigars and cheap bimbos are over, baby.

Unless of course Satan actually wins. And the new President makes you get down on your knees.

No mo' Bo!

2007-07-17T05:35:00.000-04:00

Bo Dietl is a first-rate moron. Of course, you already knew that from watching the show. The fat name-dropper has been permanently banned from the program more times than I can remember -- and he's just been banned again for shooting off his mouth to Page Six and some third-rate talk-show host up in Albany, for God's sake. Whatsa matter Bo, can't get any big-name reporters to take your call?

Listen, I-fans -- Don't listen to Little Bo. He does NOT have any inside information. Just the opposite, in fact. We've been feeding him misinformation for months now, for exactly this reason. We know he can't keep his mouth shut, so we make up various stories and leak them to Bo, just to see where they'll end up.

Deirdre thinks it's mean, lying to the fat goon all the time. I think it's just fair play. He's been lying to the whole world for years now.

Anyway, he's wrong. But there IS still good news afoot. When it comes to fake news about the I-Man, forget Page Six and the rest. There's really only one source: The Fake Don Imus blog. Get it from the horse's mouth.

Oh, and Page Six? How about losing that frigging photograph of me? The one that makes my face look as wide as my horse's. Drop me an e-mail if you need a better one. We've been taking a lot of new ones lately. (Can you guess why?)

Saving the airlines

2007-07-16T08:59:00.000-04:00

From the fakeImus inbox:

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

PS: Don't tell anyone I told you, Imus, but you're right. She IS Satan. She's also the one who got you fired (with my help, of course.) We haven't forgotten what you did to me at that correspondents' dinner a few years ago. Frankly, you're lucky you didn't end up like Vince Foster. You bastard.

Do you read the comments?

2007-07-14T10:33:00.000-04:00

If you don't, you're missing the best parts of this idiotic blog.

The readers and commenters -- you guys! -- are a whole lot smarter, funnier and better-looking than the I-Man. Fakemccord, fake cardinal egan, fakemika, fakeparis.

That's always the way it's been, of course. Ever since I sobered up I've been smart enough to surround myself with funny, creative co-stars, like Charles, Bernie and Lou. They've made me look good for years on the air -- and now you people are making the Fake Imus look good on the Internets. A big ol' basket of fake Imus Brothers ranch goodies is on its way to each of you, along with my thanks for your creative contributions.

Please excuse this rare bit of sincerity. Now get out of here before I start blubbering like a little titty baby...

I've become a verb!

2007-07-12T09:45:00.000-04:00

What a treat -- watching the most holy reverend and revered Al Sharpton get punk'd by TMZ's Harvey Levin the other night on Focks News. (Thanks, Laree.)

If you missed it, you can read the transcript here. I believe that page contains a link to the actual video, too.

The gist of the verbal fisticuffs: Sharptoe accuses the celebrity website of racism by describing Beyonce's outfit as "roboho" attire. Levin says they were merely describing the clothes, not the person wearing them.

Highlight: Levin's pushback at Sharpton's nappy-headed bullshit, saying he wouldn't allow himself to be "Imused" by Sharpton's empty accusations and insinuations.

"Imused?" Jeez, I've become a verb!

Hey-- maybe we could solve the whole "B" and "H" hot button mess by simply coining some news words for "ho" and "bitch." That's what Sharptoast wants, right?

OK, so instead of "bitches," let's call them "Rokers." And instead of "ho," the new word will be "Sharpton."

OK, class, let's try using one or both in a sentence. Yes, Charles?

Charles: "Let's roll and find some big-ass Rokers to party down with."

Very good, Charles. (God, you are SUCH a suck-up.) How about you, Bernie?

Bernie: "Oooh yeah baby, I need a couple of nasty-looking Sharptons to unleash my baaaad self."

OK, fine. Well, that works. From now on, everybody, the correct term is Sharptons and Rokers, OK? No more beeyotches and hos.

Hey, if I can get "Imused," that fat black loudmouth can get "Sharptoned."

Brant, bottles and the baby

2007-07-10T11:39:00.000-04:00

I kept a really low profile while in Manhattan last week. I didn't even go near our apartment on Central Park West. I had some, ahem, business meetings to attend, and we held them way out in Westport so I wouldn't get spotted and hassled by reporters -- it really tarnishes my aura, y'know?

Anyway, Brant was driving me and Wyatt up to Connecticut. I was on the phone with Charles when Wyatt suddenly screamed for Brant to stop the limo. Jesus, I thought, did Brant squash another squirrel?

Brant swerved across four lanes of traffic and screeched to a stop. Wyatt popped open the door and hopped out. In a moment he was back with an armful of discarded bottles and cans he found by the side of the road.

“Here, Dad,” he said breathlessly as he climbed back into the limo. “These will help pay the tolls.”

What a great kid.

The big protest

2007-07-10T11:05:00.001-04:00

OK, I admit it. I slipped into NYC late last week for a look at the uh, "big" protest. Get details here. Kind of takes your breath away, doesn't it? One whole sign? Oh well. Nice effort, guys. Next time we'll book a phone booth for the big event.

Afterwards, Russo should have beaten Charles over the head with that "Support Imus" sign. After all, McCord showed some "gutless weasel" stripes for staying on at WFAN/MSNBC after his beloved benefactor (that's me, you moron) got the boot shoved up my ass.

Just be patient, I-fans. Good news will be forthcoming soon. I'm not saying the NY Post has it right, but everything will be fine. Enjoy your Sumner, er, summer, like I am.

Ooh, that remind me, I have to call the old fool and needle him about my lawsuit again. He loves it when I do that... his coughing fits are a laugh riot.

Another message of hope and inspiration from Fake Cardinal Egan

2007-06-28T08:55:00.000-04:00

Courtesy of Fake Cardinal Egan, bejeez:

Good morning and God Bless! ::clears throat:: The Cardinal's on an f-in roll, today, bejeez!

Well this rally thing is a few hours away. I sure hope these pencil-necked idiots know what the hell they're doing. Just what the I-man needs is 3, if he's lucky, dolts on television making idiots out of themselves. If there's one thing worse than some mentally prepubescent 30 year-olds acting like morons on national television, it's someone doing it in the name of Imus in the Morn', bejeez!

Did you see that wrestler who took out his whole family, Imus in the Morn'? Sounds like something the skeleton with the cowboy hat would have done on April 13 around 10:30 in the morn'. They said it was "roid rage" - keep Hulk Hogan the hell away from me, bejeez!

There's a story they're airing over there on CNN Imus in the Morn'. It's not like you'd have the sentience to know that, you decaying corpse you, bejeez. Turns out that researchers are looking at how people walk to determine if they're gay by strapping a red light to their ass and turning the lights out and filmin' it. Sounds like a porno at the Imus house, bejeez. I have a solution to this, though! I say we send Clay Aiken and Anderson Cooper on a date and see how they walk after that. Their asses will be red and glowing, that's for sure. Those pillow biting fudgepackers would make excellent research subjects, bejeez! We could even put one on you, Imus in the Morn', but you can't walk more than five steps without choking on your own air. Go fall off a horse again you flippin' douchebag ya, bejeez!

Now bow your heads and let's pray! I got other things to do today that don't involve you retards!

In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost, Imus taking his last breath we want the most. Lord hear our prayer.

Lord, we pay that on the day we finally resolve this whole mess, that the I-man actually beats wee little Wyatt at a game of chess, Lord hear our prayer.

And finally Lord we pray that now that Paris Hilton is out of jail, she gets drunk again and has intimate relations with a guard rail, Lord hear our prayer!

Will everyone please give the I-Man a big AMEN!?!

Listener request for Cardinal Egan

2007-06-27T06:25:00.000-04:00

From a listener, er, reader:

"Members of the Cardinal's congregation are religiously
and faithfully adhering to the assembly's boycott of
NBC and CBS. This Friday 6/29 a group of the faithful
are gathering at the Today Show and at the 'FAN to
address the the intolerance delivered to Imus and his
audience.

"Would you speak with the Cardinal to petition a
dispensation for the faithful who will not be able to
attend so they can monitor the sinful Today Show and
view the disgusting hypocrites Al Roker and Matt Lauer
and still remain in a state of grace.

"God Bless,
Channel Surfer"

Well, fake Cardinal Egan?

More on the iPhone and the I-Man

2007-06-26T10:24:00.000-04:00

Quite a coincidence with the names, isn't it? Steve Jobs (not the real one, this one) told me they named the new iPhone after me. Just like they did with the iPod.

Can you believe it? If I wasn't such a cranky old fart, I might actually be flattered.

Jobs is a lot like me, you know. A megalomaniac. No, seriously -- he's a standup guy who's not intimidated by the bullsh|t media feeding frenzy that took down the I-Man. So it was no surprise he sent me one of the first iPhones to try out, give him feedback, all that. There was a non-disclosure thing (which I refused to sign, of course) but they sent it anyway. I guess Steve really hungers for the I-Man's seal of approval.

I've had it for a month or so now. Bernie flew out to show my how to use the stupid thing. Lou loaded all my iPod music on it. But I don't know if I'll keep using it. Despite the hype, it's just so-so.

It's too big to be a phone you carry around, and there's no keyboard except the touchscreen, which is too small for my fingers. Wyatt's maybe. It also does a lot of different things, so it's a little complicated for us non-geeks.

Steve, your mistake was departing from Apple's proven recipe for success. The stupid iPhone tries to be all things to all people. You KNOW that's a recipe for disaster. It's also a 180-degree departure from the iPod, which does ONE thing and does it really, really well. Plus, users are stuck with AT&T/Cingular. Another heavy burden.

Steve, I'm sorry. I love you like a brother (actually, a little more than MY brother Fred) but your iPhone bites. But don't worry, I won't tell anyone. Not unless you break your promise to make an in-studio appearance on my upcoming -- uh, nothing. Never mind.

Fake Paris visits the Imus ranch?

2007-06-26T09:04:00.001-04:00

Hey i-Fans,

First, my apologies for my recent uh, absence. No, it didn't have anything to do with a vodka bottle. Or another "fall" off a "horse," as fake mccord would have you believe (see comments here). The problem was the morons who run the T-1 lines here at the ranch have been wrestling with some sort of technical problem. It's somewhere back at the main office. In Accounts Receivable or something like that. I guess it's fixed, because I can finally get back online again.

Second, much love to fake paris who's finally been sprung from fake jail in LA. After tonight's gig with Larry King (yes, that's the old guy's name, honey. And don't worry about hard questions because Larry is even more clueless than you are.) After her sitdown and photo op with Larry, Paris is coming out to the Ranch for a little quiet rest and recuperation. Plus a lot of wide-eyed staring and excited whispering from all the horny little boys staying at the ranch (including the hired hands). Sure, there'll be lots of merciless teasing from Deirdre and everyone, but she won't understand most of it. So it'll be cool.

@ fakeparis: Much love and thanks for all your comments, sweetie. You're the best guest since Doris Kearns Goodwin. Most of what you write even makes sense, in a weird sort of disjointed way. Who are your writers? I know they don't let you keep your Crackberry while in the joint, so your PR people must be busy, busy. busy. Anyway, nice exit this morning. All four networks. Good job.

@fake rita cosby: good luck with the book, tubby. I'll be sure to miss it. Maybe you can hook up with fakeparis's writers...

@crhaaack: welcome. yeah, sure, spread the word about this pathetic blog. Please! The losers who have been hanging around here playing with themselves haven't done diddly so far. Maybe you can get things rolling. Tell you what, crhaaack: you get me a page rank of 6 or better, and you'll receive the CEO-payoff-sized basket of Imus Ranch foods, and a free ride anywhere in the world on the I-Jet.

Plus you can have this crappy i-Phone that Jobs and his gang sent me a few weeks ago. Geez. Talk about hype... more on that later.

I better post this now, before they cut me off again.

The Morning Joe Blob

2007-06-22T10:11:00.000-04:00

Hear all those cheers and whoops of delight? That's CNN, Fox News, ABC, CBS and the rest of the old guard as MSNBC reportedly prepares to name Scarborough as my permanent replacement.

This is old news, folks. "Ho Joe's" name has been bandied about for well over a month. But he's the default choice simply because there's no one else. Who can they call? He's been getting renewed on a day-to-day, even hour-to-hour basis, simply because there's no bench strength.

Result: More than 50% of the I-Man's fans have already ~~defecated~~ defected. Ratings are deep in the dumpster doo-doo (deservedly so), and we can all count on Morning Joe to keep them there.

I haven't been watching, of course, but even out here in the badlands the word is getting around how pathetic Ho Joe's performance has been. I guess it's pretty obvious that Scarface once occupied a seat in the House of Representatives. You know, his endless droning about nothing, the repetition, the empty rhetoric, the repetition, the obvious infatuation with the sound of his own voice, the repetition,-- oh yeah, Joe's definitely the man to win mornings. Look out, Matt, Meredith and Al. Your days are obviously numbered. Go Joe.

I was talking with Jack Welch and even he is dumping his GE stock -- and he got it for free. Oh, it's going to be a bloodbath... Ya gotta love it.

(Oh jeez, I'm not supposed to mention my conversations with Welch. Besides, they had nothing to do with us starting a new network together, so put that idea right out of your mind, OK?)

Anyway, the reaction from the faithful is heart-warming -- or would be if I had a heart. A few examples from Multichannel News:

"I started watching Imus with my parents a few years ago. I now realize how great the show really was compared to Morning Joe. I watch maybe 15 minutes before I've lost all interest."
"We are not listening to msnbc or cbs radio... it STINKS without Imus. WE LOVE YOU IMUS. Please come back at least to the radio."
"Nobody watches... has anyone seen the ratings? They've lost 50% of their audience... save us all from utter boredom in the morning."
"How many ways can we say BRING BACK IMUS AND THE GANG?"
"... you can be assured your listeners will follow you... we don't want a "kinder, gentler" IMUS...just you."

Thanks, people. I feel the love. Now bite me. As I've said before, MSNBC can't bring me back without admitting they were wrong, and that ain't never gonna happen. (Well, there is one way. We'll discuss that one of these days.)

So it's OK for Chris Matthews to drop the F-bomb on Hardball, and for Roker to make snarky fun of epileptics, and for Ho Joe to wisecrack somebody's wife "working the pole," but not for the poor old I-Man to slip and let out a little nappy-headed comment. Hypocrisy? You can't make it up.

Well, fine. Leave Ho Joe's big ass in the I-Man's chair and see what happens. (Can you say Titanic?)

Here, I'll even contribute a name for the new morning show. The "Morning Joe Blob."

Charles tells me it's a malaprop -- two syllables are transposed. But I'm sure you can figure it out.

Sleeping in the bunkhouse

2007-06-20T09:36:00.000-04:00

Sorry about that crack I made about Norah O'Donnell and Jackie Meretsky at the end of yesterday post. Just a harmless fantasy, you know?

I admit it, I've been kind of cranky lately, but with good reason. The truth is, Deirdre has cut me off. Totally. Don't tell anyone, though. It's kind of embarrassing.

And do you know why?

No, seriously, do you? I'd love to find out. Maybe one of you babes, or a sensitive new-age type guy, can give me a clue. What the hell did I do that ticked off the Green Ho like this? And what should I do about it? Frankly, the bunkhouse is kind of uncomfortable. And sleeping next to a horse isn't doing anything for my sex appeal.

Time to cowboy up...

Rita Cosby, Norah O'Donnell and the TWO (!?) fake contessas

2007-06-19T16:55:00.000-04:00

We're getting some great snarky comments on Contessa Brewer's Greatest Hits (Vol 1) post. Check 'em out if you haven't already. God, you people are vicious. (I love that about you.)

We've even attracted TWO "Fake Contessa Brewers." My God, what have I done to deserve this? There can only be one, of course. I've proposed a hair-pulling, scratching and biting, steel cage death match to determine the real true fake contessa. One is all I can handle, and that only barely.

Anyway, the Real Fake Contessa is right about a few things she commented on:

1. Rita Cosby sure is one BIG butted woman! She's a wide load, maybe even wider than Contessa herself. Lord 'a' mercy! Did you know MSNBC had to widen the cafeteria doors in Secaucus when lovely Rita came aboard? And "come aboard" is a good way to put it. She's about as wide as a dinghy -- and as dinghy as a dodo.

And what the hell is wrong with her voice? It's so hoarse it sounds like she spends every day screaming at the top of her lungs, then gargles with Drano before she goes on the air.

2. It's also true, as the real fake contessa observed, that Norah O'Donnell does wear way too much makeup. God, she must slap it on with a paint roller and trowel. Which is too bad, because she's smokin' hot and really doesn't need it.

I remember every time Norah would stroll across the MSNBC set, a baritone sax would start playing out of nowhere, slow and sexy. And every (male) gaffer and stagehand would stop what he was doing, hold his breath and just watch.

Her stroll was so hot that sometimes Chuck would even peel his eyes off Jackie Moretsky, the WeatherPlus babe. Believe me, that took a lot. In fact, maybe Jackie herself had a thing for Norah.

Jackie and Norah... Now there's a thought that could warm up a cold New Mexico evening.

Having trouble with comments?

2007-06-19T12:38:00.000-04:00

What happened? Did one of the WFAN engineers get a job at Blogger? Something's broken with this site.

Well, maybe. I-Fan Suzan just emailed me that she can't see the visual doohickey that Blogger makes you type in, in order to post a comment. Anyone else having trouble with that? Anybody know how to fix Suzan's problem?

Please post your answer in the comments. If you can't post a comment, e-mail me. Thanks.

First correct answer wins a wide shot (and I do mean w-i-d-e) of Contessa's butt.

Contessa Brewer's Greatest Hits (Vol 1)

2007-06-18T16:45:00.000-04:00

Laree left this comment the other day

"When you are back on the air maybe you could take a look at Contessa Brewer's GPS. It appears she is always lost. Did you catch that interview with Tommy Chong? Poor Contessa... he wouldn't read his answers off the teleprompter. They didn't tell Contessa what to do if this happened...she looked like a deer caught in the head lights."

Contessa Brewer -- now there's a name that brings back memories. You longtime Imus fans are sure to remember the Great Contessa Brewer Adventure.

When we first started simulcasting on MSNBC, Capus insisted on sticking one of his own lame anchors next to Charles on the set. It was part of the deal. Charles was perfectly capable of reading the news himself, of course. He's been doing this with me for 30 years.

But no, the suits insisted on giving the junior varsity -- sorry, I mean the fine, talented MSNBC anchors -- some high-profile visibility on Imus in the Morning. Basking in my glow, you might say.

One of the first anchors we ~~had shoved down our throats~~ auditioned was Contessa Brewer. Any of you remember this? Now, Contessa is a nice woman. A bit bewildered, perhaps, but she looks very pretty on camera (especially under half an inch of makeup).

It's true she's got a caboose wide enough to block the Holland Tunnel, but let's not get into all that again. The girl has everything it takes to be an MSNBC anchorperson:

Looks good from the neck up.
She can read a teleprompter.

Frankly, that's the limit of her talent -- and brainpower. Let's just say she'll never be invited to join Mensa. In fact, she'd have trouble giving directions unless somebody wrote it down for her first.

In terms of IQ, she makes Paris Hilton look like Condoleeza Rice.

Well, her (brief) 2005 appearance as sidekick-to-my-sidekick was pathetic. Any kind of ad-lib totally threw the poor girl off. I'd ask her to explain a story she had just read and she didn't have a clue. She'd just give you a blank look and start to stammer.

According to laree, nothing's changed.

No, I didn't catch her Tommy Chong interview, of course. I have more important things to do than watch I-Wannabes. Do I have to remind all of you that I am up here in the badlands of New Mexico risking my health and well-being to teach little children with cancer how to ride and rope and become cowboys? Hello? Do I?

OK, I admit I still enjoying hearing you dish about my old stomping grounds. So come on, let's open the comments. What's your favorite CB moment -- then or now?

Here's a memory-jogger to get things rolling: Bernard once called her MSNBC's answer to Candy Crowley.

OK, what about you?

(Later, maybe we'll open up the forum to the other talking heads. )

Friday funk

2007-06-15T16:13:00.000-04:00

Now that I don't have to be on the air, I have the luxury of sleeping in till -- oh, 5:00 or 5:30. But despite all my extra rest, I'm still not feeling well today. (I know, you've heard that before...)

No, it's not the ragweed or pollen, or the altitude here at the ranch. The problem is this awful headache. His name's Brian. Never mind, you don't wanna know. All I can say is, I wish Ashley Alexander was still around to filter my mail and keep the losers away. (Yeah, I'm talking about you, Brian.)

FakeMcCord: thanks for the comment. I'll call you later. Wait till I tell you what happened today.

"Why it's time to bring Imus back"

2007-06-14T20:32:00.000-04:00

Hey, it's not me saying that. It's the New York Daily News.

Under the headline Don's an I-Must: With no alternatives, FAN needs to dial him back in, columnist Bob Raissman describes the search for my WFAN replacement as a "disaster" with "a mish-mosh of miscast talent" trying out for my chair.

I think he's being too kind. Mike Francesa, doing mornings? Hey, I love Mike, but he's like a slumbering bear in the morning. He's still hibernating.

David Gregory? Yeah, right. I pluck him from the anonymity of the White House press corps and make him a star, a household name -- and he pays me back by trying to impersonate me. David, a great Brokaw impression isn't enough. Go back to doing standups on the White House lawn.

Joe Scarborough? All the charisma of a carrot, but with less personality.

How soon before they give David Lee Roth another call? Or my brother Fred, for Chrissake?

The news continues...

"Who knows, maybe the 'search' has stalled because there are already behind the scenes talks about an Imus comeback," Raissman continues in the Daily News."From a business perspective this has to be the decision..."

You wish.

I'm feeling the love

2007-06-14T17:09:00.000-04:00

Sites like SupportImus and ImusToday have been distributing petitions and rallying support and keeping the cause alive since the Big Day. Geez, has it been two months already?

Cable news and other mainstream media hadn't been talking about me much lately -- at least until Fat Albert, a/k/a "Roker the Joker," started making fun of epileptics. By the way, did you hear the loud laughing off-camera when he made that stupid crack? Matt must have thought that was pretty funny. Get out of the studio, you moron.

Anyway, the hypocrisy of how the Roker crack was handled -- or more accurately, not handled -- got some fans stirred up again. 600 of my people have now joined a Yahoo group of Imus fans, and lots of others are blabbing, er, blogging, about it.

So anyway, the big pro-Imus rally is planned for June 29 in NYC. Hmmm, that's the day after the Levon Helm gig in Central Park. I might just have to call NetJets and fly in for that. The I-Man loves Levon.

If I am in town, it might be fun to watch the big confrontation, too. The rally organizers plan to present petitions to MSNBC, Today and the 'FAN. My prediction: management at all three places will be too gutless to actually come out and face you fans. They'll send out some secretary or low-level nobody to accept the signatures. You think an empty suit like Capus or Moonves would actually have the guts to face a crowd of irate I-fans? Get real.

I hope the organizers have a fall-back plan. Here's an idea: Force your way on to the Today set, then have an epileptic seizure. That ought to get a big laugh from Roker and that pantload Matt.

Hey, people -- I really appreciate you boycotting MSNBC, WFAN and my old sponsors, trying to pressure them into bringing me back. Great -- thanks, that's very nice.

But really -- what makes you think I'm willing to go back? Those gutless weasels at MSNBC and CBS don't deserve me. Besides, to put me back on the air means they would have to admit they were wrong -- and that's never going to happen.

So go ahead, hold the rally. Be there or be square. Raise a little righteous hell for the I-Man. Just one thing -- don't block the damn limo when Brant is trying to drive me up Central Park West.

Thanks, Wyatt

2007-06-14T14:03:00.000-04:00

Thanks for setting up this blog thing for your dear old dad. Consider it your Father's Day gift. We're good.

Well, there is one other thing. How about letting me win at chess again? C'mon, at least when your mom is in the room?

Roker opens mouth, inserts foot

2007-06-13T13:51:00.000-04:00

You just can't make this stuff up. The Today Show's resident clueless bastard makes fun of epileptics on the air -- and expects to get a pass? Yeah sure, Fat Albert.

When I had my little slip of the tongue, Al Roker insisted it proved I was a died-in-the-wool racist and demanded that Capus take me off the air. Now that the nappy-headed shoe is on the other foot, Roker has the gall to ask for what he refused to give me -- an inch of slack. A second chance. Can you believe this?

Sorry, Fat Albert. I've interviewed enough psychologists to know that your insensitive remark clearly shows that deep down in your soul you hate epileptics, that you are prejudiced against them. Isn't that the real reason why your cruel remark slipped out, Al? All that deep-seated hatred and bigotry and hostility? Isn't that what you said about the I-Man? Well, isn't it?? Answer me!

Of course, Roker insists it was just an oops, an innocent slip of the tongue, a spontaneous but insensitive comment. No big whoop. And did you hear his wimpy apology?

"I started joking about it. I want to make this clear - I was not joking about epilepsy or anyone who suffers from epilepsy."

They've even got that little message on his autoresponder when somebody e-mails him about it. So -- one quick apology, and that's it? Where was Sharpton on this?

Let's see. Making fun of the disabled? Outrageous! Oh, it was a black guy? Uh, never mind...

The hypocrisy is unbelievable. At least one media outlet says if I was canned for one tasteless remark, so should Roker. Who am I to disagree?

"If NBC is to show any kind of fairness and consistency with the people they trust to represent their network, they must immediately fire Al Roker because of his epilepsy comments, coupled with his “holier than thou” unsolicited remarks toward Don Imus. If Imus can lose his livelihood over one comment, than the same has to be true for Al Roker and everyone else."

Thanks, Chris. Couldn't have said it better myself. A big basket of Imus Brothers coffee, chips and salsa is on its way. And a jug of Greening the Cleaning to wash it down.

Get over it

2007-06-12T09:31:00.000-04:00

It was a stupid slip of the tongue, okay? It happens on live radio and TV. Get over it -- and get over yourselves, you self-righteous bastards.

Yeah, I’m talking to you, Sharpton, you big phony. And you, Roker -- you fat pantload. You and the whole Politically Correct crowd.

Besides there was a seven-second delay. There's always been a seven second delay. Bigfoot Bowman and Chernoff could both have bleeped it if they thought what I said was so freaking terrible. But they didn't. Why not? Because in the context of Imus in the Morning, it was no big deal, really. We make fun of everybody. We're equal opportunity insulters. Jesus.

It's a comedy show, people. OK? You know what comedy is? God, go buy yourself a sense of humor.

Here's the bottom line: The kids at Rutgers forgave me. I love the Baby Jesus and He forgave me. So Sharpton and the rest of you politically correct terrorists -- er, I mean activists -- can all just kiss my ass.

That includes my former sponsors, too. And the management stooges at MSNBC and CBS, always whining and asking for favors and breathing down my neck. And all those guests. All so jazzed to appear on my program so I would push their pathetic books to the top of the best-seller charts. What happened to all those people when the shitstorm started? Most of them hid under their desks. The gutless weasels.

Well, that's over! O-V-E-R! You can all just kiss my saddle-sore old ass. I'm taking the summer off up here at the ranch, and then I might gave some big announcement to make. Or not. I haven't decided.

I'm not worried if something I say here, some offhand comment, is misunderstood. I don't even care if it offends you, okay? Guess what? I’m here to offend the assholes and the phonies. It’s not just my job, it's my mission. It's my pleasure.

Now, would somebody please bring me some Nicorette gum? God, do I have to do everything around here?

Guess what, you gutless weasels

2007-06-11T11:03:00.000-04:00

I'm baaaack.

The I-Man is back. (Well, a fake one, at least.)

No more apologies, no more whining. It was a joke, people. A stupid insensitive joke, and I've already apologized too many times for it, OK? Get over it.